Remember when you said, self? When everything has settled down, you'll making me your priority. I really don't understand, 'coz why not now? You said, I should wait--soon--it will happen. As if you already knew what will happen tomorrow. You said, you were never born to dream or likely to save you family from poverty instead you always believe you are born for a mission. I have bad feeling about it. Maybe it's something I don't like to happen. You said let just wait God for His answers. God always assures us that we will love it but I was always doubting Him. You know, people says you have to lose yourself to follow Him? But what about my passions? Isn't it calling? If it is not He shouldn't gave me a heart in the very beginning. Sometimes I hate people for confusing me to the point I'm doubting and hating Him. But I hate myself more because maybe right now I'm making my place in that creepy place. I don't know and I'm so sick to think what they are all saying. They said I'm just pulling by the enemies and they are taking double time because they are running out of time. That's why I am lost right now. Or maybe there is some people who is devoted to this fallen angel and praying to him about my downfall. Then, I am caught by the devil's eye. I thought I was in a safe place but actually enemies put me here so I can't make any movement. God said surround yourself with your sisters and bother in Christ where you'll help each other when times of falling down but I am alone right now. I thought I was with the right people who'll help me to nourish and encourage me but they were the first one whose making me down. I wanted to leave but I always think about them. They still need man power but they never think of me. And eveytime I expressed myself all I got was judgement. I want leave so that I can make time with myself. But maybe this is what they mean, you have to lose yourself to follow Him. Is following Him means sad? Because I'm sad. Is following Him means forgetting myself? Because I feel numb right now. I don't know what I wanted to do at all. They took myself away. I don't know who I am right now at all. Everytime I asked myself, "who really am I?" I always end up speechless. Maybe because being me is up to them. I feel like a robot. I wanted to say sorry for someone out there who's waiting for me to save him---I am really sorry, because I can't even save myself. But please wait.. I think we are for each other because you give me healing that I need as if God planned everything. Then, let God make me be your angel.

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